After a few hours, some breakfast and before Tim and my Mum arrived we were whisked off to the Nuclear medicine department so Eleanor could start the process of an EDTA test. This would test the function of her kidneys by injecting a small amount of radioactive material (called EDTA) into her blood. A blood test would then be performed at two, three and four hours later to test how her kidneys had processed the EDTA. This went as well as the first part of the morning, with Eleanor screaming and refusing to hold out her cannulated hand, it took three of us about 15 minutes to persuade her it wouldn’t hurt whilst using bribes ranging from a sticker to a whole book of stickers (plus the standard sweets and chocolates I am sure most parents resort to in times of need!) Thankfully, eventually she relented. Sat on my lap she cuddled me tight and the first part of the test was performed, we were then taken back down to the ward to wait for Tim to arrive and to play for a couple of hours before the first blood test needed to be taken.
Tim and my Mum arrived shortly after we got back so I took the opportunity to head off for a shower while they entertained Eleanor and she told them all about her morning.
When I closed the door of the shower room behind me, I had to take a deep breath to stop myself from bursting into tears. I had been running on adrenalin all morning and suddenly it all seemed to wear off and it became overwhelming again. I put the toilet seat down and sat there for a few minutes with my head in my hands, just telling myself to breathe and that it was all going to be OK. I held it together until I was in the shower and then a whole weeks worth of emotion flooded out all at once. I sat on the floor of the shower and cried like a baby. I cried because I couldn’t believe it was happening. I cried because seeing my little girl so frightened was by far the worst pain in the world. I cried because I thought, if I feel this weak and overwhelmed so early on how will I ever cope with the roller coaster that is sure to follow. I have never asked ‘why us’ at any point in our journey so far. I cannot justify asking that question as to me that means that I would wish for it to be someone else, instead of us. I can honestly say that I would not wish this on my worst enemy.